Fear

Eating chocolate all day long, walking around with my Teddy Bear…

People ask me how do I feel and I just smile in return…as usual. I should stop being fake, yes…but who cares? For sure not people who knows me from a couple of conversations and even don`t remember my name. I don`t remember theirs either… It`s easier for me, it`s easier for them. Win-win situation…Blah blah…

I`m scared. To death.

Why that as I should be happier than ever? Hm…

For the last couple of years I managed to cope with the loneliness better than almost all of my friends did… ”Oh! You are so strong! I wish I were you”. Some of them admire me because I am able to have fun, stay friendly and open, even when none of my tries to find what is assumed to be “the meaning of life ” (e.g. love) was successful. I always keep smiling, laughing, dreaming. And what is the reason for? Cause actually I have never had a real relationship… Never, right…

It`s easy to be strong when you don`t know what exactly you are missing…

And I`m so scared now…that I`m gonna like the feeling… And I will miss it later on.

I easily let bad boys enter my heart cause I know the end- how it would look like, how it would feel.

The good ones…I never let them in. As I don`t know where they will take me to…

I`m used to cope with loneliness, not with happiness and shared feelings.

I`m used to cope with the pain and the rejections, not with “o, cool, dreams come true”.

I`m used to be alone.

I`m used that everything ends on the morning after.

I like the feeling being in love, after crying and then being in love again. I don`t know how to act when what I have dreamed for came true? Should I accept it? Or better not?

Till when I will run away? Till when I will hide behind “I`m not created for love and relationships. There`re much more important things in life” when actually love is what I have always want to experience. I advice all of my friends to risk as “the biggest risk in life is not to risk” and I`m repeating that when we get older we will rather regret more about the things we haven`t done than for these we have…

I`m feeling as a little girl…And there is whole new world in front of me….waiting for me… I just should stretch a hand…Should I?

And then what…?